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Funny $bash commands.

These I thought where fairly comical. I wasn't sure where I found them becuase it was so long ago. But don't worry, whoever made them won't go unappreciated.. When I find them, I'll toss in a link.


  • % make fire
    Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.
  • % why not?
    No match.
  • % gotta light?
    No match.
  • % !1984
    1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)
  • % How's my lovemaking?
    Unmatched '.
  • % "How would you rate Bush's incompetence?
    Unmatched ".
  • % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
    Missing ].
  • % [Where is my brain?
    Missing ].
  • % ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
    Modifier failed.
  • % ^How did the sex change operation go?
    Bad substitute.
  • % If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
    Too many ('s.
  • % man: why did you get a divorce?
    man:: Too many arguments.
  • % %blow
    %blow: No such job.
  • % \(-
    (-: Command not found.
  • % sh
    $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
    no sense in pretending!
  • $ mkdir matter; cat >matter
    matter: cannot create
  • % cd /tmp
    % touch this; chmod 000 this
    % ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
    % U this
    U: cannot touch this: no write permission
  • % rm meese-ethics
    rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
  • % cd ~god
    Unknown user: god.
  • % ar m God
    ar: God does not exist
  • % make love
    Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
  • % sleep with me
    bad character
  • % ^What is saccharine?
    Bad substitute.
  • % drink bottle
    bottle: cannot open
    opener: not found
  • % alias alias alias
    alias: Too dangerous to alias that.
  • % cat catfood
    cat: cannot open catfood
  • % cat "food in cans"
    cat: can't open food in cans
  • % nice man woman
    No manual entry for woman.
  • % man p***y
    No manual entry for p***y.
  • % rm God
    rm: God nonexistent
  • % ar r God
    ar: creating God
  • % Unmatched ".
    Unmatched ".
  • % write desert
    desert is not logged on.
  • % man you
    No manual entry for you.
  • % !bluemoon
    bluemoon: Event not found.
  • % scan for <<"Arnold Schwarzenegger"^J^D
    "Arnold Schwarzenegger": << terminator not found
  • % cat 'the can of tuna'
    cat: cannot open the can of tuna
  • % rm Quayle-brains
    rm: Quayle-brains nonexistent
  • % cat "door: paws too slippery"
    cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery
  • % look into "my eyes"
    look: cannot open my eyes
  • % lost
    lost: not found
  • % make war
    Make: Don't know how to make war. Stop.
  • % mkdir yellow_pages; cat > yellow_pages
    yellow_pages: Is a directory
  • %touch me
    %chmod 000 me
    %touch me
    touch: cannot touch me: permission denied
  • % ar x "my love life"
    ar: my love life does not exist
  • % ar x "matey, the treasure"
    ar: matey, the tresure does not exist
  • % talk Gorvachev@Kremlin
    talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address.
  • % talk Comrade Khruchev
    [Your party is not logged on]
  • % make "bottle open"
    make: don't know how to make bottle open. Stop
  • % make "heads or tails of all this"
    make: don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop
  • % make love
    make: don't know how to make love.
  • % make mistake
    make: don't know how to make mistake. Stop
  • % make sense
    make: don't know how to make sense. Stop
  • % man woman
    No manual entry for woman
  • % echo '[q]sa[ln0=aln256%Pln256/snlbx]sb3135071790101768542287578439snlbxq'|dc
    GET A LIFE!
  • % ping elvis.rice.edu | awk '{print substr($1,1,5), $2, $3}'
    elvis is alive
  • % finger body-of-christ@bread-jar.mass
    Unknown host
  • % finger huge-keg-party@big-house
    Unknown host
  • % make ' ' bang ' ' with gun
    make: Fatal error: Don't know how to make target ` '
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